My Hands

I wrote this post several months ago, but let it sit in my drafts. It's something I don't like to think or talk about but I can't avoid it. It's where I live. So maybe if I just put it out here I can move on to blogging about other things!!


My friend, Grace, came to visit several months after the accident, and as she was leaving, she said,
"Now you call me when your hands stop hurting!"  I still haven't made that phone call. 

With my spinal cord injury, there was considerable nerve damage and there are no pain meds that relieve nerve pain. I was on gabapentin for a couple years, but that didn't really seem to do much, so I quit taking it. My hands and feet hurt.  All. The. Time. It's always bad, sometimes its better/bad and sometimes it's worse/bad.  I have tried all kinds of supplements and treatments, nothing helps.  The only kind of pain management that works is Distraction, which is why it seems to be so much worse at night, when I go to bed and try to sleep.  Sometimes.  Not every night, for no known reason.  So, on those worse/bad nights, I often fall asleep holding an ice pack or a cold can of Pepsi (amazing the comfort even an unopened can gives!!)  (You don't think this paragraph makes any sense? That's what pain does, it makes every thing un-followable!)

Many nights I can sleep without too much trouble, but --
There have been nights that I've gone to bed and just cried. 
There have been more nights when, instead of counting sheep, I've repeated the 23rd Psalm. 
Sometimes I counted the reps. 
Many nights I paraphrased it.
(Psalm 23 is AMAZING, by the way!!)
I'm trying now to practice praising and praying when I can't sleep.
The Lord is my Shepherd!  He is my guide!  He is always with me! He is everything!

And "What if a thousand sleepless nights ARE what it takes to know You're near?"
 (Laura Story, "Blessings")  What if??

Along with nerve damage, I lost the use of my triceps and all movement of my hands and fingers. I could do absolutely nothing for myself, not blow my nose nor wipe my tears.  When I came home after five weeks, I could feed myself with a specially bent fork, walk with a walker and use the bathroom with minimal help. At six weeks when I saw the surgeon, he was amazed.  He said he didn't expect me to regain the use of my hands!  I was so thankful that he didn't tell us that right after surgery!  His comment at that time was, "It went as good as could be expected."  It was so awesome to tell the doctor about the goodness of God and rejoice in the miracle of hands that were coming back!!

Progress, however, seemed very slow. I spent a lot of time in my recliner, watching my family come and go! It was hard to hold a book, so reading was difficult, but I tried - I read the Psalms when I could! And my fingers didn't grip a pen properly, so journaling was a bit crazy, my scribbles were hardly legible!  I did outpatient therapy for a  couple months, but riding in a car was challenging because of the pain.

It wasn't until May, five months after the accident, that I started getting in and our of bed unassisted and bathing and dressing myself. My whole wardrobe had to change because I couldn't work zippers or buttons, so skirts and t-shirts and sweaters replaced all of my dresses.   (How much fun is that??  I do enjoy shopping!)  Father's Day found me driving a car for the first time.  But these fingers really had to work to turn to key in the ignition! And buckling a seatbelt? So Hard!! It wasn't until November, 10 months after the accident, that I could get my hands up above my head enough to comb my hair.  Yeah, that whole hair combing thing was another lesson in letting go of vanity! Try letting your teen age daughter comb YOUR hair.  For 9 months! There were days I didn't even look in the mirror, it didn't matter how I looked, because I couldn't do anything about it!   But overall it was a gift, a great time with my hairdresser-daughters, we even tried some new hairstyles! 

The first verse of Psalm 144 says,
"Blessed be the LORD my strength,
which teacheth my hands to war,
and my fingers to fight."
It's been a battle trying to regain use of my fingers and hands. I cannot begin to count how many braids I've braided for five daughter over the twenty plus years of hair combing, how many hair cuts I've given to my husband and four sons.  We used to bake for shows, so in addition to meals and baking for the family, I've made hundreds of dozens of cookies and rolls and all that good stuff! And sewing? one Saturday I made five dresses, one for each girl!!  Not that I'm any different from so many other moms, there's always something for hands and fingers to do!  But on that day when I fell, so many things stopped working and so many muscles had to learn everything all over again. It took longer than I wanted it to, but I am so grateful for what has been given back!!  My hands and fingers aren't "normal", and might not ever be, but they are very useful, praise Jesus!!  And so I repeat, Blessed be the Lord, my strength, Who teaches my hands to war and my fingers to fight!

I swiped a couple pictures from my sister's blog, with permission, of course!!
(LeAnn faithfully updated the recovery process for friends and family!)

Such a contrast between her tanned, healthy hands and my pale, sickly one!

Feeding myself in rehab, about four weeks after the accident.

One of my favorite songs then, and now, says,
"Blessed be Your Name,
On the road marked with suffering,
Though there's pain in the offering,
Blessed be Your Name
....
You give and take away
You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your Name!"

Here's a link, please listen to it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwcEO4hhLXk

Yes.  Another song I was recently introduce to is "Open Hands" by Laura Story.  The timing was amazing, because right after I heard it I went thru the "Valley of The Hands" yet again.  These words,

"The sweetest sound the highest praise
Is the letting go of this life you gave
Our greatest prayer an act of faith
Is an open hand Lord Have your way
.....
Jesus I surrender all every victory and loss
Take it all take it all
'Til all I have is open hands
.....
I'm not afraid of what I'll lose
My greatest joy is finding you
.....
Take it all take it all
'Til all I have is open hands"

I place my hands in His, and it is well with my soul.